I nominate the Flying Spaghetti Monster for President

It's common sense

The times we’re living in! Unprecedented, as they say. Society's on its last legs, plagued by incompetence, corruption, and policies that make you wonder if someone misplaced the instruction manual for civilization. We’re sinking into the quicksand of modern life, and it seems everyone’s too busy arguing about whether or not the sand is gluten-free to lend a hand.

The truth is right in front of us, clear as day: the decline in pirates has triggered global warming, the beer has lost its fizz, and political correctness has turned “Talk Like a Pirate Day” into a contentious issue of pirate supremacy. Some folks shout “Amen!” at every use of DEI (which, as we all know, is a front for Disgruntled Elitist Interns), and to that, I say, “R’amen!”

But really, instead of waiting for the mythical beer volcano to save us all (because let’s be honest, even in heaven the service is slow), perhaps we should focus on practical, sober solutions. Maybe dial down the beer, just a tad, and sprinkle in a bit more pragmatism. It’s just common sense, after all—surely we can live in a world where wearing a colander on your head is as uncontroversial as avocado toast.

And if society, in all its label-loving, appearance-obsessed glory, can’t handle a bit of pasta-based millinery, what hope do we have for true tolerance? Let’s embrace the absurdity! In the tangled noodles of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, we discover the wisdom to realize that maybe—just maybe—the world would be a better place if we stopped letting corrupt politicians stoke our historical hunger for cheese and guilt-trip us over our dairy choices. Perhaps if we all took ourselves a little less seriously, we could rise above the madness. R'amen!