Moral clarity breaks out worldwide--experts stunned

In what historians are already calling “a complete administrative error,” the Israel–Hamas war officially ended yesterday after an unprecedented outbreak of comprehension swept the globe. The United Nations confirmed the news in a hastily scheduled press conference noting that “everyone suddenly understood everyone else,” which according to several linguists, “shouldn’t have been possible without bribery.”

The catalyst for this event appears to have been a spontaneous alignment of moral clarity produced by Eve Barlow and Hillel Neuer, who, while posting independently, somehow synchronized at precisely the same nanosecond of righteousness. According to early data, their combined moral frequency was so pure it momentarily rebooted the collective conscience of humankind and several nearby crows.

Eyewitnesses report that the sky briefly turned the color of well-meaning conviction and a low hum could be heard worldwide, described by one bystander as “like a giant cosmic reset button.”

When reached for comment, Barlow appeared slightly perplexed by the global reaction.

“I was just clarifying something,” she said. “You know, as a hobby.”

Neuer, meanwhile, was found sitting cross-legged on the UN lawn surrounded by former diplomats holding hands and humming.

“I’m not saying I told you so,” he told reporters. “I’m just implying it with every fiber of my being.”

Both declined offers of sainthood, insisting that they were “just glad people read the between the lines for once.”

Experts have struggled to explain the mechanism of this peace, noting that moral clarity on the internet usually has a shelf life. Dr. Miriam Feldstein, a professor of Quantum Theology at the University of Oxford, suggested the event might have “collapsed the Overton Window into a single point of coherence,” which then released an energy wave known as “nuance.”

“It’s very rare,” she said. “The last recorded instance was when a user left a reasonable answer on Reddit back in 2014, and everyone agreed it was good.”

Governments worldwide scrambled to adjust. The US Congress reportedly passed three bipartisan bills before lunch, and France, for reasons still unclear, immediately surrendered to goodwill.

Social media, long considered a lost civilization, briefly achieved sentience before collapsing under the weight of mutual respect. Users reported feeling “light-headed” and “oddly calm.” Several high-profile influencers retired mid-thread, citing “existential boredom.”

One user posted “peace feels better than engagement metrics.” The account has been memorialized in the Smithsonian.

The stock market responded with cautious optimism, especially after investors discovered that moral coherence could not be monetized. Shares in outrage-based media plummeted 90%, though tofu rose inexplicably.

Asked whether they thought the peace would last, Neuer sighed thoughtfully.

“It depends,” he said. “On whether anyone notices the difference between truth and brand strategy.”

And as of press time, all hostages had returned home, where a single dove, believed to be the original from Genesis, was reportedly circling the globe looking fairly smug.