What to expect when you're expecting a woke right reign of terror

Congratulations! You will soon have a bouncing baby ideology wiggling precariously in Newton’s cradle. Here I shall attempt to explain all your culture-war questions and demystify your political body, from head (what to do about those headaches caused by endless hot takes) to feet (why they are now sprouting roots), back (how to relieve the strain under the weight of symbols), to front (why it is so hard to distinguish a genuine revival from a campaign rally).

First Trimester

In the beginning, the “For Charlie” movement was calm and seemingly inert. Nothing stirred until the force of a symbolic Trump rally acted upon it. This is the literal and metaphorical stage where every performative virtue, WWE-style pyrotechnics, or Widow Forgivington speech can trigger the first kicks of moral momentum.

Mood Swings: Expect dramatic outbursts if any “For Charlie” symbols are questioned. Free speech for thee, but never for me.

Cravings: Largely for power, applause, and the mass validation of demagogues.

Strange Advice from Strangers: Brace yourself for unsolicited tips such as “Have you tried praying the gay away?”

False Alarms: Every week, a new evangelical Christian revival trend will emerge. Don’t worry—it will collapse under the weight of its own contradictions.

Delivery Plan: Despite the obvious attempts at consolidating far-right power, remember: forgiveness can be both a genuine contraction and a staged Braxton Hicks; faith can be a sacred heartbeat or just gas from the body politic; symbols can serve as lullabies or sonic booms; and widows, poor things, can be both sincerely grieving and simultaneously strapped into the ideological birthing stirrups of a machine that insists on naming the baby “For Charlie.”

Second Trimester

By now, the outrage has taken root and grows exponentially. The force of the movement is equal to the mass of the “For Charlie” campaign times the acceleration of its spread online. The larger the tribute, the faster it circulates, and the more ferocious the reactions. Prepare for the spontaneous crying at the sheer magnitude of public devotion as Charlie is flattened into the epitome of Jesus Christ, our perfect lord and savior of the Republican Party who died for the sins of the left.

Hot Take Headaches: Continuous exposure to weaponized faith leads to ideological migraines. Learn when to engage and when to retreat into a good book.

Back Strain from the Symbolic Weight: Polarizing banners and symbols representing Charlie’s martyrdom is a heavy burden. Understand this before it breaks your spine or your sense of humor.

Feet (Remain Grounded): Distinguishing between genuine spiritual awakenings and politically motivated virtue signaling is critical. Develop discernment so you can navigate these complex scenarios without assuming fascism.

Third Trimester

By now, Christian Nationalism has entered its third trimester. The belly is enormous, the ankles are swollen with grievances, and the nausea comes in waves every time someone says “separation of church and state” whenever an institution is overhauled “for Charlie.”

Mood swings are rampant where one minute it’s forgiveness and the next its fire and brimstone. You’ll even find stretch marks across the Constitution where liberties have been pulled beyond recognition.

On delivery day, a caesarean section will be performed live at a Trump rally, complete with golden scissors and gospel choirs as a fully grown ideology demanding tax exemptions, a megaphone, and your undivided attention, all in the name of “for Charlie.”

But remember, you are not the parent here. You can simply observe your country shimmy its way through these absurd growing pains like the cool babysitter you are, marveling how anyone thought this would be a good idea.