Return to your inner cosmic matriarch

A journey into deep feminine bliss

Project manager and part-time moon circle leader, Lana Rizzo, has just completed a two-week radical embodiment retreat in the jungle, where she successfully avoided a single moment of honest self-reflection.

The retreat promised total transformation through cacao ceremonies, crystal yoni eggs, and light journaling prompts like “what’s your trauma’s star sign?”

Lana knew she had to be there, perched cross-legged on a velvet meditation pouf embroidered with Sanskrit words for “live, love, laugh.”

“My nervous system was totally dysregulated from my Amazon Prime delivery being late. This retreat was my chance to really transcend my pain.”

Led by Travis “Blue Jaguar” Cohen, a SoundCloud DJ turned intuitive healer, the retreat included rigorous spiritual programming such as:

• Journaling on the beach about how your ancestors were probably witches.

• Shamanic eye contact with strangers while crying about polar bears.

• And a closing ceremony featuring Travis reading excerpts from “The Alchemist” while everyone burned their credit card statements.

Despite the hefty price tag of $8,000 (or “two months of microdosing therapy” as it’s known in LA), Lana insists the experience was worth it.

She felt more healed than ever. Her shadow self is fully witnessed. Her chakras are alphabetized. And she hasn’t had to take accountability for anything. It’s been divine.

When asked if she’d considered an actual conversation with her boyfriend, Lana frowned.

“I tried that once. But he didn’t let me interrupt him with my feelings. He just kept asking me questions like, “Why did you sleep with my best friend?” It was very toxic.”

Back home, Lana is launching a new therapy business, "Ego-Free by Lana” where she offers one-on-one Zoom sessions to help others achieve inner peace without ever having to apologize.

Prices start at $300.