The Ministry of Approved Feelings

In a bold and progressive move toward absolute harmony, the Supreme Council for Emotional Well-Being (formerly known as "Society”) has announced that all disruptive, unpleasant, or mildly unsettling masculine traits will now be reclassified as Public Health Hazards.

To enforce this, the newly established Ministry of Approved Feelings will be issuing Mandatory Sensitivity Compliance Wristbands™ to all citizens, programmed to deliver an electric shock should they display:

• Excessive confidence (known in medical circles as Toxic Competence Syndrome)

• Logical reasoning without prior emotional validation

• Standing with hands in pockets while looking at a problem and saying, “ll fix it”

• Enjoying activities not explicitly approved by the Feminist Subcommittee for Gentle Pursuits (e.g., hunting, competitive sports, refusing to apologize for existing)

“This is not about controlling men,” assured Supreme Empathy Officer Patricia Finklebottom, speaking from a taxpayer-funded safe space inside a $2 million minimalist cottage. “It’s about helping them. Poor things, they don’t even know they’re a problem.”

One of the first targets of the Ministry’s crackdown is unsanctioned ambition, which experts say contributes to “harmful individualism.” Effective immediately, success is now a group activity, and all promotions, personal achievements, and moments of private pride must be redistributed fairly among under-recognized communities, such as people who didn’t feel like working but still deserve validation.

Meanwhile, the Men’s Re-Alignment Center (formerly known as “The Pub”) is running emergency workshops for those struggling to adjust to The New Gentle Era. Sessions include:

• Emotions First, Facts Never: Teaching men how to cry properly in the workplace.

• Removing Assertiveness: How to Ask Permission Before Breathing

• Advanced Apologetics: A 12-week course on saying sorry for things you didn’t do, just in case.

Some resistance has emerged, mostly from men muttering things like “this is ridiculous” or “I’m going to the garage.” Experts warn that these individuals are suffering from Defiant Energy Syndrome, a troubling condition that causes men to irrationally value competence, autonomy, and reason over feelings and collective approval.

Thankfully, the Ministry of Approved Feelings is already on the case. “All non-compliant males will be relocated to a Safe Re-Education Zone,” confirmed Officer Finklebottom, adjusting her power suit. “We’ll get them back on track. Whether they like it or not.”