Are you tired of Fake Heaven™ but not quite ready for actual suffering? Do you crave the experience of hardship without all the icky consequences? Then Fake Hell™ is for you!
Fake Hell™ is the premium purgatory for people who want to feel like they’re in Hell without any real danger, despair, or, God forbid, character growth.
Here at Fake Hell™, we provide curated suffering experiences for those who want to doom-scroll but still enjoy $8 turmeric lattes. We specialize in trauma-lite, ensuring your struggles are always aesthetically pleasing and totally Instagrammable.
🔥 Amenities include:
Being tormented by an ASMR voice that occasionally tells you, “I see your pain.”
Experiencing mild discomfort without the pressure of doing anything about it.
Channeling the pain of late-stage crony-capitalism when your WiFi is temporarily fast enough to load The New York Times but too slow for Netflix.
Endless loops of people slightly mispronouncing your name so you can drop the race card.
Blaming your parents for fully funding your college education because they failed to prepare you for the shocking reality that a degree comes with expectations.
Here’s what our poor souls had to say about us.
“Fake Hell™ helped me find my voice—mostly because screaming was the only way to get my artisanal matcha order corrected.”
—Chad, Aspiring Thought Leader
“I lost everything in Fake Hell™ except my trust fund, social capital, and ability to rebrand.”
—Felicity, Lifestyle Guru
Warning: Fake Hell™ is not responsible for any actual emotional growth, self-awareness, or resilience gained during your stay, even if you’re in your 30s+. Any unintended wisdom acquired is purely accidental and will be promptly refunded in the form of empty platitudes.
I don’t know who you are, but we are kindred spirits.
Alas, there is nothing fake about the hell you describe. The difficulties faced by our intrepid influencers are legion. They suffer so we can live.
The other day I saw one of them on Notes complaining how hard it was for influencers to get any traction on Substack. Good news for the rest of us of course.